Giving up Bitterness for Lent

It feels damn good to scream at that driver who holds you up at the right-on-red while the street to left of him is as empty as the vacuum of space. Finding new and fitting things to exclaim about his parentage and general state of inelegance occupies the long seconds while you wait for the light to turn green.  Bitterness is a great luxury. 


Life is full of small and large injustice. We have all lost something that was vital to us through the actions of another person. To hate and fester is human. If the injury is large and disrupts our foundations, the bitterness at first give us the strength to isolate ourselves from the hurting kind and move on, but that is not the only way to move on. The more difficult path is to remove ourselves from those who act against us, but do so without harboring anger and with the idea that forgiveness is always an option even if the wrongs can not be undone. 

The idea of giving up something in order to purify the mind and empathize with those who have suffered is not only beneficial to those who are religious. There is a transcendence to be had from extraordinary empathy. Since this is Lent, I am going to use the Christian ideals and holiday to frame the discussion.  However, this post is largely inspired by a Muslim, Rais Bhuiyan, who was shot in the face by racist Mark Stroman who was literally hunting Muslim convince store workers in a twisted bid for vengeance for the September 11th attacks. Bhuiyan survived the attack but lost his right eye and still carries 35 pellets in his face. Stroman was sentenced to death for killing Vasudev Patel a native of India who was shot, like Bhuiyan, while working at a convince store. Bhiuyan sued to halt Stroman's execution, stating that his religious beliefs as a Muslim told him to forgive Stroman--that Stroman could learn from his horrible mistake and thereby help others not take the same path. Bhiuyan's bid to save his would-be killer's life did not succeed, Stroman was executed by lethal injection, but Bhiuyan's example may yet inspire salvation. Bhuiyan was a man who had given up bitterness. He had done so through faith and was motivated to make a better world for all people. 

One of the origins of the 40 days of Lent comes from Jesus's going into the desert to fast for 40 days in preparation for his ministry. In that story (thinking of Luke Chapter 4ish) he is tempted by the devil with food and visions of power and rejects all of them to begin his ministry of love. 

To empathize with Jesus's suffering and perseverance many people give up something that is a luxury - Chocolate, Facebook and Coffee are often the additional perks given up besides meat. Some people decide that taking positive actions like good works, prayerful meditation, and charity are more meaningful acts than sacrifice alone. 

In the spirit of empathizing with Jesus (and Mohammed and Yom Kippur Atonement and all those who suffer in the name of a better world) I am giving up bitterness for Lent. For me this is opportunity to become more like Christ, who according to Christian holy texts had all manner of reasons to be bitter but instead chose to love the world and act always to make it better even for those who tormented him. 


 I think that this will be much harder for me than giving up any tangible privilege. It will require an ever adjusting strategy as bitterness is a very goto response. I will update this post as I struggle and succeed. I hope to grow from this far beyond the six weeks of Lent. 

Struggle 1. You have to be aware of what makes you bitter to avoid the chain-reaction of feelings and brain chemicals that land you in anger. This idea was imparted to me by a wise man who occasionally comes bearing french fries for my kid.  First I thought, I'll try to do this by making a list of those things that make me bitter and then try to avoid those situations or be mindful of them. This particular way of reaching awareness was NOT a good idea for me! I ended up dwelling on those people and situations rather than finding positive ways to handle them. So what else could our trusty french fry deliverer have meant by "recognize what make you bitter”? How about Strategy Two: pay attention to the feelings that lead to escalating anger rather than the situations. For me, hurt/disappointment is the largest trigger. So I am trying to recognize when I feel hurt before the feeling escalates to anger. Having a thought relay, that searches for why I am feeling rather than just feeling it, at least slows down the trip to anger even if it does not stop it completely. This did actually help this week when I found out something that I really like to do is going away. I am channeling my disappointment into finding a way to do the same thing through different means, which gives me a chance to do what I like and also to have discussions about the issue uncluttered by anger. There is much wisdom in the Fry Man! 

How to Make Kale Chips with Your Preschooler

Kids under 5 seem to love to rip paper. They also like to bake, need to eat their greens, and need time with you. At the nexus of all these things is Kale Chips. See the diagram if you don't believe me. 

Recipe:

1 large buch of Kale

1-2 Tbs Olive Oils

1/2 tps Salt. 

Parchment paper (optional)

Thin baking sheet. You want good direct heat-transfer. 

One small assistant (optional but much more fun) 

Preheat your over to 275 F. Wash the kale really well and then dry it thoroughly. I use a spinner because my two year old loves to crank it up. Have your kid rip the kale off its more woody stems and tear it into roughly 2 inch by 2 inch pieces. My two year old loves this part. Put the shredded kale on a thin baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Drizzle some olive over the Kale and have your toddler runch her hands through it until the oil evenly coats the kale. Sprinkle a bit of salt over the Kale. Pop the baking sheet in the over for 30 to 40 min. Somewhere toward the middle of the baking time stir the Kale with a spatula. When your Kale is done it will be dry and crispy like a very thin potato chip. It will taste a bit like a potato chips too so your kid will eat it with enthusiasm. 

My guess for the calories :

120 cal for Olive oil

30 cal for Kale

This makes about 2 servings, so 75 ish calories per serving.

Little bug sleeping on my lap with fuzzy hair and soft snores, I have articles to read and chores to do, but I will keep still here with you resting in the crook of my arm just a minute more because this moment is unique. The little bug who sleeps on my lap tomorrow will be just a bit bigger and the next day will bring the same, until you will be too big to sleep upon my lap. I will love you just the same when you are big. In fact, I love you more every day, but it is worth being fully in this moment with you just as your are right now because this moment will not come again.

Memorial Day for Wanderers

We have a tradition of visiting the graves of our family on memorial day. My grandmother would grow flowers from seeds in pots and put one pot on each family grave. Mom and I are now transplants to East Tennessee so we needed to find a different way to honor our dead.


We bought a few helium filled balloons and wrote the names of our loved ones on them along with a few rememberances. We had picnic in the balloons's shade and then let them go.

The Dream

"And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!" ~Martin Luther King

We are getting closer to MLK's dream in some areas and further from it in others. Our social policies now mostly support the Dream, but we are still brutal to one an other. The change has to work its way into our brains and spirit. We still fear too much.   There is still us and them, with the definition of them expanding to cover all people not like us.  It is made worse by the receding economy.

Love thy Neighbor.

Brain Damage. Debts of Honor. Toy Pianos.

Driving to the lab today I was listening to an interview with Myra Bartok on NPR where she was describing the effects of a brain damaging car wreck. She said that her short term memory was unreliable.  That she would get lost coming home from familiar places and she had to have an elaborate bookkeeping system to allow her to continue her career as an author. I could not help but notice that her memory loss symptoms from brian damage were very similar to those that I am experiencing from the severe sleep deprivation that comes with new parenthood. I have been trying to complete three month worth of research for the last 7 months. I have a journal to remind what project I'm on and what I intend to do each day. I got lost going to Krogers and to the YMCA. I can't remember the correct words for things. On a good night I get 4 hours of sleep in a row. It has been like this for 6 months. I have tried scheduling, pampering, cry it out,  lavender, and warm baths, my little one is an night owl. I need to move to France so her days and nights will naturally be in the right order.

It is worth it when my little girl smiles or imitates my playing on the toy piano. She had a soft high pitched little song she sings when she is playing. She also says mama. It melts my tired heart.

I just hope that I can get enough research done well enough to get the next job when my post-doc ends in 7 months. There is nothing more terrifying than being the breadwinner and having to turn down more lasting jobs because I can not get my research done. I feel I have an debt of honor to my research group that can only be paid in scientific journal publications.

Snow Angel

Knoxville gets its largest snow in a decade. Even the University and ORNL are closed!